The Dragon Balls

Far away, in a mundane land that seemed touched by focus groups. There lived an old master named Gohan, who found a baby boy. The old master raised the boy as his own child, and marveled as the youngster grew into a socially awkward teenager. Now, the boy known as Goku is a high school student and has no real attachment to his grandfather’s most mystical possession…HIS DRAGON BALL!

It took me three years, and I finally did it: I watched Dragonball: Evolution. Instead of doing a normal review, which would likely be filled with me ranting and going ape (ha you get it, it’s like what Saiyans do), I’ll be doing something a little different. I’m going to do a complete rundown of the characters and plot, and in no way compare it to the cartoon, since I feel that that’s been done to death by various critics and fans. That’s only fair right? Let’s see how it goes!

Plot: A young man goes on a mission with some girl to find Dragon Balls so she can do science stuff and to  avenge his Grandpa, who was killed by a green alien obsessed with balls that can make him immortal. They meet the Grandpa’s old master, Roshi, and he learns some new tricks. On their way to wherever the hell they seem to be going, they meet up with Ernie Hudson, and he says some cryptic things. As chance would have it, Goku’s high school crush is a martial arts student training in the desert, they fall in love, even though he’s only ever given her creepy glances and she has a boyfriend. Then they meet this Yamcha guy who’s all dusty and super cool. A fight with some monsters ensues, Roshi dies and then Goku comes face to face with Piccolo, and he defeats him pretty fast. They summon the Dragon, which is about 2 feet long, and wish Roshi back to life. They have a laugh and, then we fade to black. Oh and Goku at one point turns into a werewolf thing named Oozaru, but shrugs it off cause…THAT’S THE POWER OF LOVE!

Grandpa Gohan: An old man who is rather spry and really good at air bending. He takes care of his adopted Grandson Goku and does little else except die, so the story can advance. He also has a shiny ball with stars that he conveniently shows Goku.

Goku: A high school nerd with funny hair, who was taught martial arts and air bending by his Grandpa. After his Grandpa dies, he searches for an old master and learns the Kamehameha, so that he can impress and probably have sex with his high school crush named Chi-Chi. He also takes to fighting really fast and becomes a 7 foot tall ancient werewolf that existed thousands of years ago but isn’t really important to the story.

Bulma: The daughter of some guy who runs Capsule Corporation, she’s looking for the other Dragon Balls so she can do science stuff. She has a really cool bike and…did I mention she has a really cool bike?

Master Roshi: Grandpa Gohan’s old master, who knows everything about Ki. He aids the group in finding the Dragon Balls and shows Goku the proper way of lighting candles with a highly dangerous blast of energy called the Kamehameha. So, he’s pretty much Grandpa Gohan with fire bending.

Chi-Chi: Goku’s high school crush and martial arts student. That’s about it.

Yamcha: A desert bandit. Yep.

Mai: Bad lady.

Piccolo: An ancient evil that wants the Dragon Balls so he can wish to be immortal. He gets really mad and has a few clones fight for him since he’s supposedly weak. Then he decides to fight Goku, even though he’s supposedly weak, in one of the shortest confrontations ever.

What’s my final verdict? I’ll let this image speak for itself.

Goku He Mad

Stay tuned readers! Starting next Friday is the beginning of my Dragon Ball Revisited column. Every Friday I’ll be reviewing a Saga of the Dragon Ball franchise, going all the way to the infamous GT. Until we meet again guys!